’nuff said.

Don’t go dying in Bordeaux, you WILL be punished.

BORDEAUX, France (Reuters) - The mayor of a village in southwest France has threatened residents with severe punishment if they die, because there is no room left in the overcrowded cemetery to bury them.

Don’t you just hate it when you find out that that multimillion dollar bank account doesn’t really belong to you, after all?

NEW YORK (AP) - A defense attorney in New York City says her client believed he was rightfully entitled to the $2 million he’s accused of stealing from a bank account managed by someone with the same name. Attorney Julie Fry says Benjamin Lovell “didn’t intend to steal from anyone.” She says he’ll explain in court what the bank told him that led him to believe the $5.8 million account was his.

The 48-year-old Brooklyn salesman has been arrested on grand larceny charges. A judge lowered his bail Friday from $1 million to $10,000 in cash.

Authorities say Lovell spent the misbegotten money on jewelry, cash gifts to friends and failed investments.

The account belonged to a trust, and a different Benjamin Lovell was a signatory on it.

This reporter recently received the following email:

Dear Henry:

I don’t know what to do with this information, but I think it’s very important that the people of America know the truth: I am Barack Obama’s secret love child. My mother had a “fling” with Barack in the early ’80’s, and came away pregnant. Unfortunately, my father refuses to acknowledge my existence as his child, even though I’m working for his campaign in New York. Dad even refused to take a paternity test, so there’s really nothing I can do.

What should I do? Do you think the New York Times would print my story, even though I have no proof of my allegation?

Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Barack “Baba” O’Reilly

Dear Baba,

I really don’t know what to tell you. There’s a good chance that the New York Times will print the story, you should at least give it a try.

Police in the western Czech border town of Cheb have launched an investigation into the theft of a four-tonne railway bridge. “We are not sure if it was taken for personal use or for its scrap value,” police spokeswoman Martina Hruskova told AFP. “It is the first time we have dealt with this type of theft.”

For this brilliant idea — I’m sure the American pleasure Nazis will be able to enhance and implement it in all aspects of our lives. Great.

Smokers could be forced to pay £10 for a permit to buy tobacco if a government health advisory body gets its way.

No one would be able to buy cigarettes without the permit, under the idea proposed by Health England.

In an effort to forstall harsh treatment of our citizens by other powers, including terrorist organizations accustomed to sawing people’s heads off with rusty kitchen knifes, the Senate today set a new standard for absolute idiocy:

WASHINGTON (AP) - The Senate voted Wednesdy to prohibit the CIA from using waterboarding and other harsh interrogation methods on terror suspects despite President Bush’s threat to veto any measure that limits the agency’s interrogation techniques.

The prohibition was contained in a bill authorizing intelligence activities for the current year. The bill would restrict the CIA to the 19 interrogation techniques outlined in the Army field manual. That manual prohibits waterboarding, a method that makes an interrogation subject feel he is drowning. The bill passed on a 51-45 vote.

Apparently, the 19 interrogation techniques also don’t include speaking harshly, interrupting naps, or taking away prisoner’s cable TV. Human rights activists, and other liberal idiots, rejoice.

Awww shucks, this is terrible! An illegal alien advocating the annexation of California, Texas, Arizona and New Mexico back into Mexico (or worse, as it’s own independent Chicano state) was arrested by the immigration authorities.

I just hate it when the Feds actually do their jobs, don’t you?

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has arrested the President of MEChA at Palomar College in San Marcos, California. The 22 year old student, Paola Oropeza, was accused of being in the USA illegally. Also arrested was her father Guillermo Oropeza, her mother María de Jesus Oropeza, and her older sister Claudia Oropeza.

MEChA or Movimiento Estudiantil Chicano de Aztlan is a student group with chapters in many high schools, colleges and universities that promotes Mexican culture and history. MEChA also promotes higher education among Chicano youths. The organization has been under constant attack by USA xenophobes, racists and bigots because the student organization also promotes ethnic pride.

Lauren Mack, a spokeswoman for ICE in San Diego said that Paola, Guillermo and María de Jesus have been deported to Mexico but that Claudia is presently incarcerated at a federal facility.

The arrest of Paola Oropeza, an exemplary college student and pro-immigrant activist, signals that ICE may now be targeting MEChA and its leadership. This is a warning sign to other MEChA Chapters throughout Aztlan.

The San Diego area has seen a series of escalating and hostile actions by ICE and the US Border Patrol. Yesterday, the three major Mexican political parties strongly condemned the launching into Mexican territory of noxious chemical gas canisters by the US Border Patrol. The gas canisters have been launched across the border into Tijuana neighborhoods on several occasions and have injured Mexican civilians including school children.

Imagine the surprise one might have, sitting on the throne, reading the Economist, when suddenly…

FRANKENMUTH — Maintenance of city sewer lines is causing quick bursts of water to splash out of residents’ toilets. The problem has affected about 20 of Frankenmuth’s 1,200 households.

“It’s just real strange,” City Manager Charles Graham told The Saginaw News for a story Friday.

The maintenance usually causes only mild gurgling, Graham said. But in some homes, water has burst onto walls and floors in the city 70 miles north of Detroit.

WATER bursting onto walls? Just water? Ha.

a house to a prospective buyer. You never know what might pop out at you…

LONDON (Reuters) - An estate agent who took a prospective buyer to view a house in central England found the owner hanging dead in a closet, the agency said Thursday.

First, my man Thompson ends his “electoral vacation trip”, finally putting an end to the farce that was his non-campaign, and breaking my heart, just a little. Now, Mitt Romney has thrown in the towel, leaving the GOP race to McCain — a man who will probably bring back the “fairness doctrine” that his alleged ideological father did away with, who will probably grant amnesty to millions of lawbreaking folks, who will probably do away with the already-meager Bush tax cuts and bring back the death tax, and …. ack. OK, breathe. Oh, and then there’s Huckabee, a man who called the conservatives in HIS legislature “Shi’ite Republicans” because they stood up, a little, to his massive tax hikes and spending increases and in-state tuition for lawbreakers, etc., etc.

Against the backdrop of John McCain running for the GOP, we have the spectre of either the corrupt and insatiably ambitious Hillary Clinton, or the empty-suited Barack Obama — both of whom have insisted that we need to retreat inside our shell when it comes to protecting ourselves from global islamofascism; both insist on socialized health care, massive regulation of industry as well as our personal lives to fight some alleged “global warming crisis”, etc. etc.

After re-reading Barbara Olson’s Hell to Pay, I can’t even come close to voting for Hillary; Obama would be highly amusing as our President, at least for the first couple months, but it’s just too important a job to leave to either Larry OR Curly. Unfortunately, Moe is my only choice.

So I guess I’ll sign on as a McCainiac, and hope, as expressed earlier, that he’ll choose a real Republican as a running mate to placate those of us for whom RINO was not the idea when we signed up with the Grand Old Party.

Apparently, in her 35 years of non-stop public service, Bill and Hillary have accumulated a fortune! I never realized that “fighting for the children” paid so well!

Senator Hillary Clinton confirmed at a press conference in Virginia this afternoon that she’d loaned her campaign $5 million, and said, “The results last night proved the wisdom of my investment..”

Spokesman Howard Wolfson emailed with the news minutes earlier:

Late last month Senator Clinton loaned her campaign $5 million.The loan illustrates Sen. Clinton’s commitment to this effort and to ensuring that our campaign has the resources it needs to compete and win across this nation. We have had one of our best fundraising efforts ever on the web stoday and our Super Tuesday victories will only help in bringing more support for her candidacy.

As I reported earlier, she’s drawing on a pool of personal wealth estimated to be as much as $41 million, as well as a reported payout to Bill Clinton of $20 million from the Los Angeles billionaire manager Ron Burkle.

I feel a little better now, although I’m pretty sure that “my guy” won’t be the GOP nominee in the end. I can only hope that McCain has the good sense to forget his hot-headedness to realize that Romney would make the best VP candidate.

I’m thinking of renaming my blog. Not after a religious figure, but after a teddy bear. Watcha think?

I have to say, I’m sorely disappointed by the campaign so far of Fred Thompson — seems to me that he’s repeatedly allowed the media portray him as not really interested, engaged, or fired up about the prospect of becoming President. Is this the case, in fact, or is it just a hatchet job? I’d love to hear what you think about this.

So my question is, was there a peephole in the shower or what?

ROCHESTER — A man clad in swim trunks was arrested after riding a bicycle through a motel’s hallways and hitting two men. A woman showering after using the swimming pool at Best Western Soldiers Field Tower and Suites told police she heard a door open and saw a naked man at about 3:10 p.m. Sunday.

The man ran out of the room, pulled on swim trunks, hopped on a bike and road through the hallways, police said.

Police Lt. John Edwards said the man, 38, hit another man, 76, and his son, both of whom suffered minor injuries.

The son chased the bicyclist, tackled him and waited for police to arrive, Edwards said.

Charges against the man were pending Monday, police said.

… now, they’re making hair-bands out of used condoms…

… but that’s coming to an end.

I’d like to thank the tens of people who’ve kept coming back to the site in hope that there will be updated content, only to have your fondest hopes and dreams dashed on the shoals of our inactivity.

But that should be all behind us now; watch for some format changes, an additional author or two, and some smartypants stuff in the near future. In the meantime, have a happy and safe Thanksgiving.

LOL.

A man in Sweden who was angry with his daughter’s husband has been charged with libel for telling the FBI that the son-in-law had links to al-Qaeda, Swedish media reported on Friday.The man, who admitted sending the email, said he did not think the US authorities would stupid enough to believe him.

The 40-year-old son-in-law and his wife were in the process of divorcing when the husband had to travel to the United States for business.

The wife didn’t want him to travel since she was sick and wanted him to help care for their children, regional daily Sydsvenska Dagbladet said without disclosing the couple’s names.

When the husband refused to stay home, his father-in-law wrote an email to the FBI saying the son-in-law had links to al-Qaeda in Sweden and that he was travelling to the US to meet his contacts.

He provided information on the flight number and date of arrival in the US.

The son-in-law was arrested upon landing in Florida. He was placed in handcuffs, interrogated and placed in a cell for 11 hours before being put on a flight back to Europe, the paper said.

The FBI contacted Swedish intelligence agency Saepo, which discovered that the email tipping off the FBI had been sent from the father-in-law’s computer.

The father-in-law has been charged with aggravated libel.

He has admitted sending the email, but said he didn’t think “the authorities were so stupid that they would believe anything. But apparently they are.”

He said he “couldn’t help the US authorities’ paranoid reaction”.

In a bid to increase understanding of the ramifications of doing drugs, (as well as extending the time tourists have to stay in town before having some shroomage), the mayor of Amsterdam is proposing a “waiting period” for buying magic mushrooms.

Let me get this straight — you can get drunk, visit a prostitute, fire up a bongload, shoot up at the park, and take your girlfriend in for an instant, free abortion. But God forbid you buy some magic mushrooms without a waiting period.

Right.

ASPEN, Colo. - Julius Caesar lay dead and Brutus was talking to his co-conspirators about swords and blood when he paused and excused himself, saying “I seem to have stabbed myself.”

Aspen actor/director Kent Hudson Reed accidently cut his leg open with the knife he was using in an outdoor performance of “Scenes from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar” on Wednesday.

He tried to carry on, “but my boot was filling up with blood and I was flubbing my lines, wondering if I was going to pass out, wondering if the audience could see the blood.”

Portia (Susan Mauntel) took Brutus to a hospital for stitches and play narrator Tyson Young announced the performance was canceled.

“That’s what you get for trying to kill Caesar,” he said.

Reed said actors normally don’t use real knives, but the scene was set up so none of the performers were close enough to hurt each other.

“But I hadn’t thought an actor might stab himself,” he said.

Reed said the show would go on, although Brutus might be limping for a while.

Don’t do meth. If you do meth, leave it at home when skateboarding. If you have to bring your meth with you when you skateboard, don’t skateboard in an illegal spot. If the cops come, don’t grab the meth when you run away. Sheesh. You would think he would know better by now, but then I guess that is not how Mr Marinovich operates.

Todd Marinovich pleads not guilty after another SoCal drug arrest

NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. (AP) — Todd Marinovich, the former Los Angeles Raiders quarterback whose career ended in a mire of drug abuse, is facing a possible prison term after a weekend arrest in Orange County.

Marinovich, 38, remained jailed Wednesday on no-bail warrants for probation violation pending a Sept. 6 pretrial hearing. Police said he was skateboarding in a prohibited area near the Newport Pier boardwalk shortly before 1:30 a.m. Sunday and ran away when officers tried to stop him. He was found hiding in a carport about six blocks away.

Thereby absolving illegals of their illegality. I think or something.

See this World Class Idiot bloviating to the Mexican Congress here 

As long time readers know, I can hardly resist a penile injury story. Today, it’s just too hard to resist:

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A woman set fire to her ex-husband’s penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said Wednesday.

Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was “difficult to predict.”

The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat, something common in Russia where property costs are very high.

“It was monstrously painful,” the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper. “I was burning like a torch. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

No word on what accelerant was used, nor why the victim was unable to detect his ex-wife putting it on him and lighting the match. Unless, under the influence of the vodka, he was overly engrossed in TV-Moscow?

We may never know the whole truth.

LONDON (Reuters) - Britain is proposing to remove the term “prostitute” from the criminal statutes because it carries too much stigma.

Instead, a new bill that the Justice Ministry has drafted refers simply to persons who sell sex persistently — defined as twice or more in three months.

“We just wanted to remove the stigma of the label ‘common prostitute’,” said a spokeswoman for the Justice Ministry.

“It’s been around since 1824, so it was a bit outdated. It just wasn’t really helpful to label people.”

The new bill introduces measures to try to get sex workers out of the industry, and in effect decriminalizes prostitution for those who are not considered persistent.

Apparently, if you sell sex less than a couple of times in a couple of months, you’re now no longer a prostitute but merely a skank; any more than that and you’re still a ‘ho, they’re just not gonna call you that any more.
Boggles the mind, frankly.

Posted without comment.

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) - A crowd attacked and killed a passenger in a vehicle that had struck and injured a child, police said Wednesday.

Police believe 2,000 to 3,000 people were in the area for a Juneteenth celebration when the attack occurred Tuesday night. The man who was killed had been trying to stop the group from attacking the vehicle’s driver when the crowd turned on him, authorities said.

The Austin Police Department identified the victim as David Rivas Morales, 40. The child was taken to a hospital with non-life threatening injuries.

Police spokeswoman Toni Chovonetz said she had no further information, including how many people were involved.

The driver was able to get away is cooperating with investigators, police said.

Juneteenth marks the day Gen. Gordon Granger arrived in in 1865 to share news of the Emancipation Proclamation, which freed slaves two years earlier on Jan. 1, 1863.

BERLIN (Reuters) - A would-be German thief went from predator to victim when he tried to mug a taxi driver but ended up having his own wallet snatched instead.

After the 20-year-old stole the driver’s wallet, a scuffle broke out between the two, in which the cabbie not only recovered his property but also took his attacker’s wallet, police in the western town of Aldenhoven said Tuesday.

The driver then locked himself in his taxi and called the police, who were amazed to find the mugger waiting patiently for them on the curb next to the vehicle when they arrived.

Oops. This may not be a career limiting move in the NFL though.

Blogger says Steelers’ Zierlein inadvertently forwarded porn to NFL officials

The Steelers confirmed yesterday that one of their employees sent an “inappropriate e-mail” message from the club office to “unintended recipients” last week, violating club and NFL policy.

ProFootballTalk.com, an online blog written by Mike Florio, first reported that Steelers line coach Larry Zierlein inadvertently forwarded an e-mail he received from Doug Whaley, the Steelers’ pro personnel coordinator, to multiple high-level team employees and their secretaries throughout the NFL, including commissioner Roger Goodell.

At least we know why he is smiling in this picture.

This headline is not as funny now. I will admit that it does make more sense though.

British cyclist rides penny farthing into China on global trek

With 13,600 kilometres (8,400 miles) already covered on his 19th century “penny farthing” bicycle, a 39-year-old Briton has embarked on one of the toughest legs of his world trek — China.Fresh from the roads of New Zealand where he was nearly run over by a lorry, Joff Summerfield is hoping that drivers in the nation known as the “Kingdom of Bicycles” will be more friendly.

“The lorries in New Zealand have been the worst in any country so far, and one finally managed to get me, breaking my wrist,” Summerfield told AFP near China’s Great Wall this week on his second day out of Beijing.

The penny farthing is one of the world’s earliest bicycles, boasting a giant front wheel that has a 47-inch diameter and a tiny back wheel.

Sure seems like it to me…

TACOMA, Wash. (AP) - A Vancouver man was sentenced Friday to 13 months in prison for pretending to be mentally retarded in order to claim disability benefits.

Pete J. Costello, 28, pleaded guilty in February to conspiracy to defraud the government and to Social Security fraud. He began receiving disability benefits when he was 8. He was ordered to repay the $59,226 he has received since turning 18.

Costello, who cannot read or write, dictated a letter to his public defender that was submitted to the judge before sentencing and filed in court.

“I know that it was wrong to ‘act like a child’ in the Social Security office when that is not how I really am,” the letter said. “I feel very bad about this and want to do everything I can to pay this money back.”

Costello’s mother, Rosie Costello, 46, who also pleaded guilty, is to be sentenced Thursday for coaching her son and daughter to feign mental retardation. Authorities have not found the daughter.

Pete Costello continued to fake retardation into his mid-20s - picking at his face, slouching and appearing uncommunicative in meetings with Social Security officials.

The scheme came to light last year after he got a traffic ticket in Vancouver, then was videotaped acting normally when he contested the ticket in court.

If that’s not the act of a retarded person, I don’t know what is.

Some people should be exterminated. Period. This week’s winners:

WICHITA FALLS  –  A 37 year old woman was indicted Monday on charges that she sold her teenage daughter for $3000.  Tina Valdez is accused of selling the 15 year old girl to a man last August. At first, Valdez told authorities in Archer County that her daughter had run away. She even gave police a note that she said her 15 year old daughter had written about going to look for her father.

But investigators say Valdez admitted last month that she sold the girl to 35 year old Jason Carlile who took her to Mexico. Carlile was already facing charges of indecency with a child and possession of child pornography. He was also indicted Monday.

Valdez and Carlile are being held on $150,000 bond each. The girl is back in Texas and has been placed in foster care.

OK, this is getting beyond stupid. A teacher touched some peppers, and just happened to have smoked half a joint over the weekend. Great reason to lose your job and go to jail and probably be blackballed from teaching forever.

If all the high school and junior high teachers that I knew smoked pot in the 70’s and 80’s on the weekends had been fired, my schools would have had a SEVERE teacher shortage.

This is just idiocy.

GALVESTON, Texas (AP) - A high school teacher faces marijuana possession charges after drug- sniffing dogs on a routine campus sweep led police to his classroom desk, authorities said.No drugs were found in the desk of Stakely McConnell, a Spanish teacher at Ball High School. Instead, the dogs smelled papers that had a marijuana odor transferred from McConnell’s hands, school police chief LeeRoy Amador said.

McConnell, 25, admitted to smoking marijuana over the weekend, Amador said.

Authorities said they later found a half cigarette of marijuana in his car, but that there is no evidence or suspicion that students were involved in the alleged drug use.

McConnell was placed on administrative leave after being arrested on campus Tuesday.

Possession of marijuana carries a maximum sentence of one year in prison and a $4,000 fine. Because the alleged discovery happened in a drug-free zone, the district attorney can increase the charge to a state jail felony, which carries a maximum two-year sentence and $10,000 fine.

Who does this guy think he is, David Hasselhoff?

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man failed his driving test after attempting the examination while three times over the legal alcohol limit, police said Tuesday.

When the man arrived for the test Tuesday morning, both his driving instructor and the examiner detected the smell of alcohol on him, though the 27-year-old assured them he had not been drinking, police in the western town of Bendorf said.

“But his driving was rather bad, so the examiner directed him to toward the police station without him noticing,” the spokesman said. “Once there, he had to get out and take an alcohol test, which revealed he was well over the limit.”

The man will now have to wait “a long time” before he can take another driving test, the spokesman said.

Alcohol, rowdy college students and a 2600 pound giraffe. A truly bad combination.

Drunk students learn lesson from peeved giraffe

1.3-ton animal attacks three Lithuanians after they climb into his cage

VILNIUS, Lithuania - Climbing into a giraffe’s cage at the local zoo seemed a good idea after a few drinks. But the prank went wrong when the 1.3-ton animal flew into a rage and attacked the three student trespassers at a zoo in Lithuania on Monday night.

Ruta Greiciute, a 22-year-old student at Kaunas Technology University, was hospitalized with a broken collar bone and nose after the 9-year-old male giraffe, named Solut, attacked her.

“I don’t know what they were thinking. They couldn’t have been thinking much.”   I guess that pretty much sums it up.

Vandalized elevator fights back

Looks like an open and shut case after doors lock up, preventing escape

OSLO, Norway - Two young Norwegian vandals overlooked a small but crucial detail when they started smashing up a train station elevator: They were inside it.

And the elevator at the Lillestroem Train Station, north of Oslo, appeared to be the vengeful sort, sealing its doors and holding the two for the police.

This one would make Ms Crow happy.

Visitors told: Bring own toilet paper

WALKERSVILLE, Md. - Bring your own toilet paper if you’re visiting a park in Walkersville. Last week, vandals set some paper on fire in a men’s bathroom at the Walkersville Community Park.

On Monday, Town Manager Gloria Long Rollins announced that all paper products have been removed from bathrooms at the town’s four parks.

Who can blame the guy for wanting some good smokes before being strung up, but hair dye?

Cigars, hair dye for Saddam’s final days

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - The U.S. military bought Cuban cigars and hair dye for deposed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein while he was held before his execution because they were “mission essential,” a military investigation heard Tuesday.

Looks like someone is still going to strike out with Ms. Hottie.

Our friend in Iran has screwed up big time  — the nerve of this guy, to be friendly to his old teacher.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been accused of indecency after he publicly embraced and kissed on the hand an elderly woman who used to be his schoolteacher.

At a ceremony on Tuesday ahead of Iranian teachers’ day, Mr Ahmadinejad was photographed and filmed by state media stooping to kiss the woman’s hand and then clasping her arms in an embrace.

The ultra-conservative Hezbollah newspaper, which is not related to the group in Lebanon of the same name, criticised him on the front page.

“The Muslim Iranian people have no recollection of such acts contrary to sharia law during Islamic rule [since the 1979 revolution],” it said.

“This type of indecency progressively has grave consequences, like violating religious and sacred values.”

The elderly woman, who was not named, wore thick gloves along with a headscarf and long black coat, meaning that Mr Ahmadinejad avoided any skin contact.

But his action raised eyebrows because according to sharia law, it is forbidden for a man to have any physical contact with a woman to whom he is not related.

This guy is a liberal, compared to the other dudes in power in Iran? Stunning.

I’m kind of bummed today — the Marxist agitators trying to destroy America were pretty unsuccessful in repeating their successes from last year in yesterday’s “rallies”.

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Immigration rallies held nationwide Tuesday produced only a fraction of the million-plus protesters who turned out last year, as fear about raids and frustration that the marches haven’t pushed Congress to pass reform kept many people at home.

In Los Angeles, where several hundred thousand turned out last year, about 25,000 attended a downtown rally, said police Capt. Andrew Smith, an incident commander. In Chicago, where more than 400,000 swarmed the streets a year earlier, police officials put initial estimates at about 150,000.

Organizers said those who did march felt a sense of urgency to keep immigration reform from getting pushed to the back burner by the 2008 presidential elections.

But they shouldn’t worry — I’m pretty certain the topic of illegal immigration, illegal employment, and corporate malfeasance in the matter will be a hot topic during the next set of elections.

Sheryl Crow is NOT gonna like this:

HUTCHINSON, Kan. (AP) - Toilet paper is becoming a sought after commodity at the Hutchinson Correctional Facility after officials began limiting inmates to one roll at a time to trim costs.Officials say the prison has long had a limit, but they learned recently that it hadn’t been enforced. Increased enforcement began this month.

Under the prison policy, inmates are restricted to four rolls of toilet paper each month or on an “as-needed” basis.

Four rolls a month? Wow, that’s harsh. Course the enviros would make it more like 1 roll a year, one square at a time. These guys had better consider themselves lucky.

MADRID, Spain - Courthouse maintenance workers responding to a complaint about a clogged toilet found 30 pounds of hashish in a pipe leading from a restroom used by prisoners, officials said Monday.

The custodians found the drugs Friday at the Palace of Justice, a building that houses courtrooms and jail cells, in the Spanish enclave of Ceuta on the coast of Morocco.

The drugs were contained in dozens of small bags in a basement pipe leading from the jail cell area, the Interior Ministry office in Ceuta said.

Be on the lookout for an LA Times sports writer…

McMINNVILLE, Ore. (AP) - A man wearing nothing but women’s high heels was the cause of a building lockdown by police in downtown McMinnville. The unidentified man was spotted sitting on a bench on the basement floor of a nearly vacant medical building Wednesday afternoon.After a call to 911 dispatchers, two McMinnville police units responded and were assisted by deputies from the Yamhill County Sheriffs Office and the Oregon State Police. The building was locked down and surrounded, but alas, no naked man.

The man was described as 40 to 50 years old, bald or with short white hair, of thin to medium build.

He was last seen running down one of the building’s hallways in the heels, police said.

pee….

Oxenstern and I are hitting the links tomorrow with a friend — this is fair warning, I guess, and rather timely:

OAK RIDGE, Tenn. (AP) - A mother teed off by drunken golfers urinating near her house by the 18th hole resorted to videotaping the men after no action was taken on her complaints. Video of some men relieving themselves behind trees at the city-owned course was played on local and national television news.”Many times I would say, ‘You’re on camera,’ and they’d keep right on going. They’d yell and scream obscenities at me,” Delisa Schubert said.

Schubert, her husband and daughters ages 11 and 15 live next to the Tennessee Centennial Golf Course in Oak Ridge, 20 miles west of Knoxville. She said they family moved there so the girls could improve their golf game.

Schubert has reported the problem to police, city officials, the local district attorney and the golf course manager. They suggested she record the offenders, and in a year she says she has captured more than 40 golfers in the act.

Signs banning public urination are posted on the golf course, and the city is talking to the course operator about the issue, said Josh Collins, director of the city’s recreation and parks department. There are restrooms nearby at the 16th hole and the clubhouse.

Schubert says the underlying problem is too much beer and no restraint.

“When you have no inhibition, you’re just going to go anywhere,” she said.

Seems to me the underlaying problem is a lack of bladder control, but well, whatever.

Well, I can make a pteridactyl, a brooch, a hat…

LONDON (Reuters) - British firefighters said on Wednesday they had come to a boy’s rescue after he got a toilet seat stuck on his head.

The toddler, aged two-and-a-half, and his mother walked into a fire station in Braintree, Essex, Tuesday saying the boy had put his head through a small trainer seat for the toilet and now could not remove it.

“His mum had tried to get it over his head but couldn’t budge it so she walked him down here and asked us to have a look at it and we went to work and we managed to get it off in no time,” firefighter Chris Cox said.

“We simply put some dish washing liquid on his head and ears and it slid off nice as pie.”

Is it just me, or is Mum perhaps not feeding the kid enough?

“Will undergo a psychiatric assessment.”  D’ya think?

Man arrested for naked Hitler birthday event

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - A Canadian man has been arrested after he was found walking around naked with a swastika taped to his body to mark Adolf Hitler’s birthday, police said on Friday.

Police in Nanaimo, British Columbia, on Canada’s Pacific coast, said they were called to the scene by concerned residents, and the man told them he was “honoring Hitler’s birthday.” He was detained and will undergo a psychiatric assessment.

… one ass at a time.

Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.

Crow has suggested using “only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required”.

No word on how she’d propose to enforce this; perhaps Ass-Cams in public loos, or maybe  a new dispensing system for every toilet?

This guy is lucky they weren’t involved in another type of intimate act.

Love at first bite?

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - An Israeli woman accidentally bit off part of her boyfriend’s tongue during a heated French kiss, an Israeli hospital that reattached the tongue said Thursday.

How is this for a first day on the job?

Rookie plumber torches £5m mansion

A fire which ravaged a £5m Georgian mansion was likely caused by an unfortunate meeting between a plumbing apprentice bearing a blow torch and polystyrene roof installation, The Daily Mail reports.

More than 60 firemen fought the blaze at Kittery Court, in Kingswear, Devon - owned by “Forever Friends” greeting cards millionaire Andrew Brownsword. The house was undergoing a £2m conversion into a luxury hotel when disaster struck on Monday.

Especially if you’re a superrich Democrat politician. After all, he WAS on his way to meet with Imus and the nap - wait, nm.

RENTON, N.J. (AP) - The SUV carrying Gov. Jon S. Corzine was traveling about 91 mph moments before it crashed, Superintendent of State Police Col. Rick Fuentes said Tuesday.The governor was critically injured when the vehicle crashed into a guardrail on the Garden State Parkway just north of Atlantic City last week. He apparently was not wearing his seat belt as he rode in the front passenger’s seat.

The speed limit along that stretch of the parkway is 65 mph.

The state trooper-driven sport utility vehicle was in the left lane with its emergency lights flashing when a pickup tried to get out of its way. Instead, it set off a chain reaction that resulted in the crash.

Running from the cops not advised for those with artificial limbs.  And I sincerly apologize for the text in the link to the story.

Fleeing Burglary Suspect Captured After Prosthetic Leg Falls Off

POMONA, Calif. — A man with a prosthetic leg that fell off while he tried to flee from police was arrested Tuesday a short time after he allegedly burglarized a market in Pomona with an accomplice, who escaped, police said.

Gregory Daniels, 48, was booked for burglary following the crime, which occurred about 3:10 a.m. at the Pomona Ranch Market in the 2200 block of North Garey Avenue, said Pomona police Sgt. E. Vazquez.

This dentist makes gingivitis look like the better choice.

Dentist guilty of urinating in surgery sink

LONDON (Reuters) - A British dentist was found guilty Thursday of urinating in his surgery sink and using dental tools meant for patients to clean his fingernails and ears.

A medical tribunal said it was satisfied the evidence showed 51-year-old Alan Hutchinson, who “routinely” did not wear gloves or wash his hands, had risked the health of “himself, staff and patients” for more than 28 years.

Sheesh, the names parents pick these days.

Swedes battle to name daughter Metallica

A Swedish couple is battling the country’s National Tax Authority for the right to call their daughter “Metallica”, the BBC reports.

In Sweden, both first names and surnames have to be officially approved. On the banned list are “offensive, unsuitable or inappropriate” titles, as well as those which might “cause discomfort for the one using it”.

Michael and Karolina Tomaro have already baptised the six-month-old headbanger but, despite a ruling by Goteburg’s County Administrative Court that there was “no reason to block the name”, came unstuck when they “tried to register the name with tax authorities before applying for a passport”. Officials didn’t much like the Metallica tag, and sent the case to a higher court for consideration.

When vegetables are outlawed, only outlaws will have vegetables. Must be an English thing.

Clampdown on celery-throwers leads to bans

LONDON (Reuters) - Chelsea have banned three of their fans after they were caught throwing celery during the team’s FA Cup win at Tottenham Hotspur, the Premier League champions said Tuesday.
Two of them were arrested for throwing celery during the quarter-final replay on March 19, while a third was spotted throwing the vegetable and later identified to the club.

A fourth supporter was banned for a pitch incursion.

“All four people have been banned by the club and three will face court bans depending on the outcome of any criminal proceedings,” the club said on its Web site www.chelseafc.com.